Outbursts #026: . . .

By July 11, 2012Life, Outbursts

As I sit here in an office of M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, I idly search for any lasting drop of inspiration to write a blog post. Despite having 20+ drafts of posts discussing topics such as immaturity, false self expression, and the ever so elusive pursuit of girls (eer…) sitting in the dashboard, I am incapable of collecting enough mental facility to coherently finish the entries. Once the habit drops, it’s difficult to reset yourself on the train tracks that continue on into the infinite horizon. I’ve asked myself countless of times, “Once I start blogging…where does it stop?”

I started blogging for no particular reason, really. At first, it was probably because I wanted to be cool, with my own personal estate on the world wide web. If that were the case though, I would have been perfectly satisfied with a website. My first website I developed for myself was primitive and had a blog section despite the fact that I didn’t know how to program one. Perhaps I thought that if I included such a section, I’d discover some hidden initiative to heave my lazy butt off the couch and learn how to program PHP. To make matters worse, WordPress existed at the time, but alas, I was still too lazy to simply read upon the easy 1-2-3 step installation of the pre-made web content management system. It just felt “cool” to have a BLOG section on the website since that seemed like the ‘next big thing.’ As children of the internet age, it is perhaps one of those quintessential things to have: presence on the online-sphere.

It wasn’t until I started blogging with EFuzzy on blogger (by then, I had a second version of my website) that I attempted to figure out the reasoning behind the madness. Questions popped up after I began writing some posts: Who’s my audience? What am I going to write about? Do I need to have a focused writing style? How often do I update?

I ended up telling myself that none of it mattered. I didn’t care what I wrote about, I didn’t care who read my entries, and I didn’t care to think about how often I was going to write. In retrospect, however, I’ve grown to realize that it does matter and that there exists a strange conflict in emotions with regards to keeping a blog updated.

It’s surprising to see how many individuals from all over the world (not to mention, the thousands of people at UVa) who have personal blogs, tumblrs, and other means of self expression. At first, I imagined the internet as a place for nerdy people or people who couldn’t communicate in real social situations. With the anonymity of the internet, individuals had the power to disregard the low self esteem directly linked to their physical appearance and mental state of mind and inhabit a completely different personality. An example of such a manifestation is where a young boy likes a girl and loves his perfect princess from afar. Only when passing her in the hallway or when she gives a casual glance to the back of the classroom does the boy respond with a meager hand wave. Once in the comfort of his room and computer, however, the infinite power of gchat and skype unleashes his unknown potential for polite greetings and killer one-line responses. When asked during lunch, “Hey! You like Angela, don’t you?” The boy shakes his head vigorously. And whenever the boy catches a glimpse of Angela’s long, silky hair, he blushes and rushes in the opposite direction. But once the green circle appears next to her name in gmail, off the fingers go.

I’ve just realized I’ve gone on a ridiculous tangent.

Returning to the topic at hand, I was saddened to see that the internet be a forum for everyone. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but with the advent of Facebook, YouTube, and all of our other online social mediums, those who are are social animals use these tools to their advantage. This brings me back to the issue of blogging. Blogging, inherently, is a form where one can express themselves more comfortably (and anonymously, to some extent). If the blog-o-sphere were comprised of entirely anti-social nerdy introverts, perhaps it would be easier to…

WTF. My brain’s not working. Upon further reflection, I realize that my readership is MEGA-low (like 5-10 readers total?), and none of anything I said above actually applies to me. My lack in ability to continuously blog does not arise from the fact that I’m socially afraid of expressing my thoughts. Yes, maybe I am quite and reserved in the most normal of circumstances, but none of you guys reading this care, right? Hm.

Essentially, I think my circular point is that I started blogging in an attempt to increase sociability points, but like any social activity, it is inherently difficult for one who is more socially inhibited than not to keep up to snuff. That, and nothing interesting is occurring in my life anyway.

In the end, I really ended up talking about nothing.

Here’s to hoping that future days are not as lethargic as the current one.


P.S. What on earth was that mumbo-jumbo of a post? Could I have been even more incoherent? Bah.
P.P.S. For those of you in/were in PAFN, if you’re curious about the Intro + Bio Booklets that were sent out to incoming first years, hop over to the portfolio hub or the direct entry for said project.

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